During our busy lives, connection can be hard! But you know that saying, ‘quality over quantity?’ Sometimes, that’s not quite true in parenting. What do I mean? I mean that sometimes, more is better. Don’t sweat making every moment with your child magical. Those little moments…in the car, running errands, making dinner together, finding that missing sock…can all add up to a lot of QUANTITY time. Time that matters. So, what small, seemingly insignificant things can do you to connect with your school-aged kid? Read on!
Get involved in what they love.
For me, this means watching a lot of anime. Is it my favorite? No. But I strive to say ‘yes’ at least half of the time my kid asks if I want to watch with him. We generally watch an episode or two after dinner, and this gives my child a chance to talk animatedly about his favorite show. I ask pointed questions: what do you like about this character? Why is this your favorite plotline?
Maybe your kid is obsessed with a sports team, or a music genre, or a book series. Get involved. Read, watch, and cheer. This builds connection between you and your child because the message they get is: what I care about matters.
Plan a meal together.
Mealtime is a natural bonding moment between humans. We all gravitate to the kitchen and hearth. Put your school-aged kid in charge of one meal a week, and then, depending on the age of the child, assist in the planning, shopping, and cooking as needed. This is not only a good life skill to teach, but planning and eating together creates natural time together that can generate the opportunity to talk about other things in an organic way.
Make regular one-on-one ‘dates’.
Show your child that you have time for them, and that the time you spend is valuable. This can be especially helpful if you have more than one child, and siblings are usually vying for attention from parents. I actually took this a step further, and am so glad I did: when my kids were all school-aged, I took them on one-on-one trips with me for undivided attention and adventuring together. We all have great memories that are unique to each parent-child relationship. If trips or weekend getaways are not possible, plan one-on-one date nights or date days with your child. Go get pedicures, see a movie, eat dinner out, or take a hike.
Use car time as meaningful communication time.
We all spend so much time in our cars! Make car time meaningful time by turning off devices and turning off the music. Ask your child about her day during car time to and from practices, rehearsals, or other commutes. When you have covered the bases of the day to day, turn back ON the radio or device and, depending on the age of your child, play a podcast or news program that’s age-appropriate. Ask him questions about what you’re hearing. Offer your opinion as well. Remember, kids are always listening!
Welcome emotion.
Don’t say, ‘calm down’, or ‘it’s no big deal. Let your child’s emotions have a place in your conversations. Listen when they have a problem or issue that is a very big deal to them, and give them time to vent their emotions, even–and maybe especially–when you don’t view their issue as a ‘very big deal’. Let them cry, express anger, and laugh as appropriate and safe. Remember that you are their safe space.
Turn off devices.
At least, sometimes! And regularly. I know this is hard. Trust me. But having dedicated ‘screen-free’ time is crucial to meaningful connection with your school-aged kid. Maybe the phones all get docked at 8 pm so you can have a bedtime ritual with plenty of talking or sharing, or maybe the car is the device-free zone. Set regular boundaries around screen usage in order to carve out periods of time that can be meaningful, not wasted on games, social media, and TV.
Make physical connections throughout the day.
This tip depends on your individual child and how they like to receive physical affection and attention, so you must always defer to your child’s preferences. For instance, I have a kid who expresses that he doesn’t like to be touched most of the time. So I always ask if it’s a good time for a hug. I only touch him when invited to do so. But in general, experts recommend parents offering physical touch (a pat on the arm, holding a hand, hugging, etc) at least 12 times per day! Little interactions can go a long way!
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