Getting kids to stay in their own bed: using a bedtime pass for kids

Ask the expert: Help! My child won’t stay in her own bed

Our usual bedtime routine was interrupted, and over the past weeks, it’s become harder and harder to keep our child in her own bed. Now, it’s a nightly ordeal. Help!

How to keep a child in her own bed at night: create a bedtime pass for kids

Oh, the agony of prolonged bedtime ordeals! All you want to do is ‘clock out’ at that magical bedtime hour, relax with your beverage of choice and your favorite streaming device, or maybe even enjoy some grown up time with your partner. Instead, there you are, visiting your child’s bedroom for the dozenth time (or worse, camping outside her door in the hallway, waiting for silence to prevail).

But it doesn’t have to be this way. There IS a solution, rooted in parenting science. It’s called the bedtime pass.

So what is the bedtime pass for kids?

In a word, it’s security. A bedtime pass for kids is a way to create security for your child, while she’s alone in her bedroom at bedtime. Because when she’s getting up for the tenth time for water or the bathroom or just to snuggle with mommy, security is what she’s really craving. In order for children to learn to self-soothe and get from wakefulness to sleep on their own, they need to feel secure.

If your child knows she IS allowed to get out of bed–but just once–per night, she will feel safe and confident knowing that option exists. You haven’t cut off all access to mom and dad. You’ve simply placed limits on it.

Your bedtime pass will allow your child to get up ONCE per night, and only once.

So how do you use bedtime passes? It’s simple.

Print our bedtime pass (link below) or make your own!
  • Prep your child for bed by getting a drink of water, going to the bathroom, enjoy snuggles and stories, find that special lovey, and make sure the nightlight is on! Set the environment up for success so that all your child’s needs are met before you say good night.
  • Give your child a special card, good for one free trip out of their room each night or one visit from a parent. Explain that the visit or trip must be for an acceptable reason, which parents can define ahead of time. Examples include a drink of water, a trip to the bathroom, or a hug from mom or dad. Explain that once the pass is used, you will not allow additional visits or attention.
  • Print our printable bedtime pass for kids, or make your own with your child.
  • Include the bedtime pass in the bedtime routine. As you tuck your child in, make sure the bedtime pass is close at hand.
  • When the child uses the pass, she ‘turns it in’ and surrenders it for the rest of the night.
  • Now the hard part: if your child leaves the room again that night, she must be walked back to her room without a word and without eye contact.

Why a bedtime pass for kids works:

The parenting science behind the bedtime pass is simple: when kids know they have the option of getting out of bed, they feel safer, and the need to do so is reduced. According to a study first published in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology, here’s what you can expect, if you try a bedtime pass for kids in your household:

The first couple of nights, most children use the pass, to make sure it will ‘work’. Wouldn’t you? Then, they often try an extra visit or two to be sure you are serious about no attention later in the night. But after that, most kids start holding onto their cards throughout the night, in case they need it later. Instead, they fall asleep on their own, remaining in their own rooms all night.

Troubleshooting Bedtime Pass Mishaps

So, you’ve printed the pass and explained it to your child and you’ve followed all the steps and it’s NOT WORKING! Maybe it’s even getting worse. What now?

If your child’s behavior is getting worse, it may be that you need to be more consistent with the process. If you use the bedtime pass as prescribed for the first few nights, and then you get sloppy even for one night, you run the risk of undoing all your hard work. What’s worse, is that you have taught your child that they need to be extra to get you to change your mind to get what they want. Lack of consistency will up the behavior ante. It teaches children to act more intensely. If you can’t follow through with the system with consistency, don’t start in the first place.

By the way, the two biggest spots in this process where consistency falls apart are in ignoring your child if they come out of their room after using their pass and allowing extra trips after the pass has been used. Watch these two points for consistency in your behavior so you can ensure success.

If you are knocking it out of the park with consistency, you may be experiencing an extinction burst. Your child is used to getting lots of attention when they come out of their room. When this stops working, the behavior escalates because his access to attention has been denied (extinguished). He’s hoping that if he gets extra annoying, he will continue to get what he used to get. That’s an extinction burst and it’s annoying, but it’s temporary if you continue to be consistent. An extinction burst should only last a few nights at most, unless you have a particularly insistent child.

If you are confident in your consistency and you’ve given the extinction burst time to run it’s course and it’s still not working, you may need to increase the reward for staying in bed. Some kids will stay in bed just to please you and meet expectations, but some will need an extra incentive. Don’t be afraid to give them that incentive. Set up a sticker chart and give a sticker for each night that your child stays in bed. Give an extra sticker if the bedtime pass isn’t used at all. Then, you can let your child earn something awesome for earning ten stickers. Beware, some kids need an immediate reward rather than a delayed reward. If your child needs an instant reward–usually the younger they are, the more immediate the reward will need to be–give them an immediate reward. If your child stays in bed for the night, give them a favorite video first thing in the morning and give them extra for saving that bedtime pass. Reward your child and reward yourself!

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How to use a bedtime pass for kids to ensure she stays in her own bed all night!

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