Children and attention: is any attention better than no attention?

Any attention is better than no attention!

When it comes to children and attention, is that true? And if it is true, is it correct? And if it’s correct, why? And more importantly, WHY?!

Attention is very valuable to children, and not just children, but people. We need it and we crave it and we will do almost anything to get it. If we aren’t getting enough of it, we will find ways to get more, even if they are ridiculous ways of behaving.

Children and attention:

Attention is a funny variable, though. It doesn’t have to be wonderful attention to be valuable. It can even be negative, frustrated, annoyed attention. That’s the kind of attention that occurs when your child has been ramping up all morning and you’ve been trying to go about your day. I see you. You just want to get through the morning, right? So, you keep moving forward, and they keep getting crazier until they are standing on the coffee table wearing their underwear as a hat mooing like a dying cow and you snap. “Hey! What are doing! Stop that and get down!”

Usually, that’s where the behavior stops, because attention has been given, but it comes back again. And if it comes back again and again, it makes your you crazy and you need it to stop continuing…like yesterday. But, you’re likely stuck in a vicious cycle now.

Also, here’s a little secret: usually when we get frustrated and do the almost yelling, exasperated plea attention thing, we follow it up with positive attention, like giving the child a toy or finding a new activity, or spending some time with them. That’s another set of attention that follows the ridiculous behavior. In the mind of the child, ridiculous behavior results in a moment of mom yelling, which translates to, “Hey, I’ve finally got her attention!” This is then is followed by getting a need met. Getting that attention followed by getting more attention that meets a need is so valuable that it’s worth being on the receiving end of a little bit of yelling.

Okay, so! That means that we must, as the purveyors of little people construction, be sure that kids are getting enough regular rich attention in order for less bad behavior is likely to occur. But what happens when your kids are already acting badly because they’ve learned that it’s the best way to get your attention?

You can use planned ignoring. Planned ignoring is an extinction process that is designed to remove attention from certain pre-planned behaviors in order to make them disappear.

Attention and children next steps: Implementing planned ignoring

Implementing planned ignoring is easy and will usually decrease unwanted behavior very quickly, but it has some rules.

1. Planned ignoring cannot be used for unsafe behavior. If your child is running out into the street to get your attention, you cannot ignore that. You have to choose another process.
2. Planned ignoring is purposeful and targeted. It is used for a pre-planned and specific behavior. Planned ignoring should not be confused with being busy or distracted. There’s a specific purpose for planned ignoring.
3. Planned ignoring is powerful, but limited. It is meant to disrupt a particular behavior for a specific period of time. It’s not a long-term parenting strategy because ignoring in the long run is not healthy and planned ignoring doesn’t teach the replacement behavior that will help your child learn the right thing to do. Planned ignoring should be used temporarily to stop bad behavior and allow you teach better behavior.
4. Planned ignoring must be paired with increase in attention for appropriate behavior. On the other side of the see-saw from planned ignoring is rich attention, when your child is not behaving badly. Attention must increase in other places and should be quality attention.

A planned ignoring implementation

Let’s go back to the underwear hatted moo-er on the table. Let’s say you’ve decided that when behavior looks like that, you are going to ignore it. You have insured that your child is safe and can be ignored while they are being crazy as a step one.

Next, when the moo-ing begins, you just don’t pay attention to it! Break eye contact, walk out of the room, take yourself away from the behavior, either physically or in your mind. Every time that behavior occurs, you shut down for a bit.

And then you wait. You may see the behavior get even more ridiculous. Keep waiting. It may escalate to all kinds of silliness. Keep hanging on. When the behavior stops, that’s when the attention starts. Return your attention and make it great, high-quality attention. Praise your child for whatever they are doing at that moment. And then give them plenty of attention afterward, that so you can fill up their little attention cups.

Planned ignoring is easy to implement, but remember it’s a bridge to something else that stops bad behavior in the immediate present. To have the best impact on the future, you have to assess why your child is escalating to bad behavior to get attention. Do they need the language skills to ask for attention? Are they bored and they don’t have the ability to find something to do? Have they been lacking in interaction or engagement?

Those are the next steps in constructing the kind of behavior you want to see in the future.

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