Parenting advice is everywhere, but when it comes to raising kids, there really is an easy button of parenting. And the easy parenting tip you aren’t using enough is right at your fingertips.
Picture this: it’s 10 am and it’s quiet, which is pretty rare in a house full of preschoolers and toddlers. I’m not knocking it. When a ray of pure gold sunshine and miracle shines in on our house of chaos, I take it without asking questions.
Everyone is happily playing and engaged. There are no squeals or squabbles. There are no pleas for opening things or cleaning things or playing with things. It is like being wrapped in a warm blanket, while walking through Target, with a latte, on a Saturday, with a gift card.
And so, I breath deep and check all the way out. This is my moment of bliss and I earned it. I drift into my Target haze dream and let the warmth wash over me.
And then out of nowhere, my silence is pierced.
“He took my toy!” I hear plastic whizzing across the room before I can even stand up. And so, the clean up begins. Soothing one child, talking slowly and calmly with the other, resettling each one back to a purposeful task, a pretend game of house with this one and a game of tickles and talking with the other. It’s 30 minutes before we are back to quiet and calm. This will repeat again in another 30 minutes.
So, basically, when my kids are quiet, their mom is MIA, but when they are naughty, they have my undivided attention.
Wait! That doesn’t seem right. I mean, I do it all the time, but is it what I should be doing?
As a parent, I am so guilty of this. I almost always respond to my kids when they are whiny, or needy, or clamoring, or hyper, or out of control. And I completely ignore them to claim some solace for myself when they are calm and quiet and engaged and purposeful.
So, basically, I teach them that to get mom’s eye contact, and words, and interaction, they need to start acting ridiculous. Quiet calm behavior means mom ain’t got no time for them. Only crazy behavior gets mom’s attention.
I try not to let this make me feel guilty. Really. No guilt. I am just one human person and I respond in a very human way to everything, including my children. Unless there is a pressing need, I am not likely to get involved in anything. I don’t put gas in my car because I want to feed my Prius’ soul. I do it so it will keep going. I don’t turn off my alarm because I want to caress the button lovingly. I do it so it will stop annoying me.
Humans are programmed to respond when it benefits them. When my children are calm and quiet, it feels great to not have to do anything right that minute. When they are whiny and needy, I fix it so I can get back to calm and quiet.
Time to flip the script and learn that easy parenting tip!
I can add the discipline of interacting with my kids especially when they are engaged in purposeful, quiet play. Yep, that’s it…that’s the easy parenting tip. It doesn’t have to be much; just a quick word of encouragement about how cool their sculpture is or a quick squeeze and kiss to remind them that they are awesome will do.
This is called non-contingent reinforcement, which means that I am giving my kids things they like whether or not they are doing a specific thing that I wish to reward.
It’s a very effective way to decrease problem behavior, like whining and fighting, and increase desired behavior, such as playing quietly.
It’s super powerful and very underutilized. It only takes a minute and yields dividends that are multiples of the effort that it requires. It’s the easy button of parenting.
Because my kids are already receiving my attention, my encouraging words, my eye contact, and my presence, they play longer and more contentedly. They are much less likely to get whiny or needy to get my attention because they are getting it regularly just for being them—and for doing things that I want them to continue to do.
So, my job when it finally gets quiet in my house is to celebrate that moment with a little bit of appreciation for the people who made it possible. A smile, a nod, a couple of kind words are all it takes to tell them that I see them, I appreciate them, and I want them to keep being so amazing all afternoon.
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